The Most VicTORIOUS Christmas Story Ever Told
by bluecinderella4
Summary: Surprise! My Christmas gift is a Christmas-related VicTORIous story based on a Christmas episode of a British TV show. Tori and Andre are putting on a show to help raise money for Andre's church and everything that can go wrong, will go wrong. A better summary is inside. Rated T for safety
1. Begging for a Show

**I'm back; it's either a Christmas miracle or Christmas curse depending on how you look at it.**

**So I was watching this British sitcom **_**The Vicar of Dibley **_**and I decided that was my favorite episode. Usually when there's a memorable story, movie, song, or TV episode I like, I try see how I can adapt it to a fanfiction with some of my other favorite shows. I wanted to try to get my writing mojo back and a lot of ideas I outline- even for other fics- weren't just coming together. However, out of the ideas that survived the "Garbage Purge" (i.e. me throwing away nearly all of my ideas and the ones that I kept survived) one of them was which character from **_**VicTORIous**_** could play what role in the **_**Vicar **_**Christmas****episode and why. After that, I was able to expand on some key ideas and how to make adjustments to fit **_**VicTORIous **_**canon.**

**I expect a lot of you not to know what the heck **_**The Vicar of Dibley **_**is. Basically it's about this British village, Dibley, who seeks a new vicar (which is a reverend/minister/preacher/clergy or whatever- the vicar is head of the church). The new vicar turns out to be Geraldine Granger played, by the hilarious Dawn French of the British comedy duo French and Saunders. We're also introduced to the townspeople/members of the church and their quirks and habits.**

**So this episode I'm spoofing (**_**Winter)**_**,****I can't spoil in the intro. What you need to know is Geraldine and the church members decide to act out a live Nativity story on one of the member's (Owen's) farm. It's your basic sitcom episode where it seems that where everything does go wrong, can go wrong in quite a hilarious manner.**

**Let me warn you ahead of time: as much as I love Jade, I couldn't give her a part in here [cue moans and boos]. I filled all the character spots based on who's best suited and didn't know how to create an additional part for her like I did for my first **_**VicTORIous**_** fanfic (**_**VicTORIous and Company**_**). However, she will be mentioned, given a reason why she's not involved, and she will appear in the ending scene.**

**See, I'm not that cruel- it is the holiday season after all.**

**I should also note this kinda takes place after the show ended and our characters have grown up a little. So I'm thinking maybe 10 years into the future.**

**Well then, let's get this started.**

* * *

><p>Andre Harris, an up-and-coming musician in Los Angeles, California, would say he was a man who didn't beg. Sure he would have a "mini-fit" or two, but begging; nope, not a beggar.<p>

This time, however, was an exception.

Andre's good friend Tori Vega came down from Berkley to spend the holidays with her family (annoying older sister Trina included) and was staying at her mom and dad's place when someone frantically started knocking at her door. Before the door could open all the way, the person on the other end was on their knees clutching her pant legs yelling incoherently.

"Hello, Andre," Tori recognized his voice.

Andre quickly rose to his feet and tried to play cool. "Aw hey girl, whazzup?

"Well-"

"AW TORI, YOU GOTTA HELP ME!"

"-things are good, how are you?"

"I'd be fine if I wasn't goin' to Hell."

Tori cocked an eyebrow. "Beg pardon?"

"I done sinned, Tori."

"Well it's hard to tell what's considered a sin in this day and age so I doubt it's anything major."

"Tori!"

Tori sighed. "Look, come inside and tell me what's got you all wonked up," she gestured for Andre to step inside.

Andre took a deep breath as he sat on her couch. "Okay; you know how I got that musician gig at that church on Fairview Avenue?"

"The really run-down, bad smelling church near that crime infested neighborhood?" Andre stared her down. "Right, yes, go on."

"Well the church is in danger of being shut down. And if they shut down the church, then I ain't got a job."

"There are other places to get jobs you know."

"Not for musicians! Did you know how hard it was to even get that one?"

"Okay, fair enough. So why are they gonna close down the church? Is it like a _Sister Act _deal without Whoopi Goldberg in Witness Protection as a nun?"

"Yeah, the plot with the church needing money and all that chiz."

"Andre, how much did you agree to donate?"

"Technically, nothing."

"And that's why you think you're going to Hell?"

"They got the church members and staff together to discuss how to fundraise for our church and we started pitching fundraising ideas. The minister made us go around the room with fundraising ideas and how much we plan to raise and…well..."

"I see where this is going."

"You do?"

"You lied about having an idea and said it would raise a large amount of money, didn't you?"

"I said I had a super, awesome, surprise idea guaranteed to bring in at least $500."

Tori sucked the air through her teeth. "Oh, that is pretty bad."

"You gotta help me out Tori! If I don't follow through I'll pretty much be responsible for closing down a church, losing my job, and goin' to Hell. You don't lie in a place of worship! And I can't take it back; they're all countin' on me! Knowin' sister LaTonya, she's probably already bragged about the cute church musician who's gonna save the church she's been comin' to since she was little."

"Well what are some of the others gonna do?"

"Bake sale."

"That was everyone's answer?"

"Someone suggested a church carnival, but we can't afford to put one on. If anyone didn't suggest bake sale or carnival, then it was sellin' stuff at the church like a garage sale."

"So you just gotta find an idea to top those ones."

"You got any?"

"There's only one idea that's sticking out in my mind."

"Please don't say bake sale."

"No, it's not a sale."

"Heh?"

"I say we put on a Christmas show." Andre furrowed his brows at her. "Yeah, you and I could organize a play or concert or something and try and get the gang back together."

Andre thought that through. "It is better than a bake sale."

"So that's a yes?" Andre nodded. "Great! Now all we got to do is figure out what kind of show we're going to put on."

"Did I hear put on a show?" Trina's sudden, out of nowhere presence scared Tori and Andre. "Are you two putting on a show?"

"No," Tori and Andre quickly lied.

"Hmm," Trina bit her lip suspiciously, "that's too bad."

Tori looked at her sister. "Why did you say that last part like that?"

"Oh, no reason. I just couldn't help but overhear about the money troubles in Andre's church and thought I could help out a little?"

"You, help?"

"I may or may not $150 that I don't know what to do with."

"You mean the $150 you got to buy the _family_ presents with?"

Trina tsked. "Tori, Tori, Tori, you're so selfish thinking only about yourself."

"I wasn't-"

"I suppose that $150 could go toward helping the church, and therefore helping out people in need- which means doing some good at Christmastime."

Andre bolted off the couch. "SOLD!"

"Wait!" Tori also rose to her feet. "There's a catch."

Trina shook her head. "No catch." Tori skeptically raised her eyebrow. "You just have to let me be in your show and give me good billing."

"DEAL!" Andre agreed.

Tori turned around and faced him. "Andre?!"

"But it's 150 bucks! And it goes to a church!"

"I think it's more than a fair deal," Trina commented.

Tori looked at her sister, then Andre, and then threw her hands up in exasperation and groaned. "Fine! You win! You can be in our show."

"Why Tori, I thought you'd never ask."

"I didn't."

* * *

><p><strong>I wanted to make this one chapter, but in the end realized I couldn't. So there's part one. Part two's comin' up next.<strong>


	2. Some Things Never Change

**I didn't wanna put this up until I got the story goin'/had at least two chapters. So that's why the second chapter's ready for you guys.**

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><p>One of the first people Tori and Andre got in touch with was their former teacher Erwin Sikowitz (they figured if Trina was already involved adding Sikowitz wouldn't cause that much more damage). Sikowitz, after freaking out because he didn't remember he was talking to former students, agreed to help out and he even agreed to let them use the Black Box Theatre as a rehearsal and meeting spot. Trina would also be there, of courseunfortunately. As would Sinjin who currently worked crew at the Black Box for less than minimum wage (hey, a job's a job).

With the other four friends, it was going to take some convincing. Beck and Jade were still together and doing somewhat well for themselves. Beck had a steady gig as the lead protagonist on a popular children's show while Jade (who wanted to _avoid_ children) varied from gig to gig while working part-time at _Hot Topic_. Robbie and Cat, meanwhile, did eventually get together and had gotten married- much to the dismay of Jade who also hated weddings (and other people's happiness). Tori and Andre figured getting Cat and Robbie to participate might be easier; and Andre won the coin toss to call Cat and Robbie.

"Sure I can come to the meeting," Robbie agreed as he talked over the phone with Andre. "I'm not sure Cat will be able to, she's got a thing tomorrow."

"_Aw man we already got the freaks and weirdos!"_ Andre lamented over the phone.

"Uh…should I be offended by that?"

Tori, on the other hand, was having a harder time getting both Beck and Jade to agree. "But your show just aired it's Christmas special and new episodes aren't coming back until February," Tori pointed out to Beck.

"_Sorry Tori,"_ Beck apologized over the other end of her receiver. _"I don't know what we're doing for the holidays but we have a few plans in mind. I was thinking I'd go up to Canada and visit my family."_

"Jade hates Canada."

"_I didn't say _she'd_ be going."_

"Well why can't she help us?"

"_Because she said quote, 'I don't want to be a part of a guaranteed failure with a bunch of losers unless I either get paid or get to hurt people'."_

"We're still not sure what we're gonna do for the show. We could use some ideas, even her creepy, unsettling ideas."

"_Tori, I-"_

"If you do this, it might be good for your image. You'll be an actual hero volunteering to help put on a show for a fledging church. You're kind of a celebrity; people would wanna come and see you."

Beck sighed. "I can't make any promises, okay."

"I guess that's better than no. Just don't take too long to think about this. And tell Jade I said hi."

Tori heard Beck call to Jade and ask her if she wanted to talk to Tori. There was a pause before Beck came back on the line. _"Yeah, I don't think you want to hear her reply to that."_

…

A long table had been set up in the Black Box to accommodate the seven people who would attend—Tori, Andre, Trina, Sikowitz, Sinjin, Robbie, and Beck. By the time the meeting was supposed to start, six out of the seven people were there.

Tori came rushing in late. "I know, I know, I'm sorry!" She took her seat on one end of the table. "I was glued to the TV; since it's Flashback Friday, I figured I'd catch some classic Christmas sitcom episodes on MeTV. Thought I'd watch one for inspiration, but then I lost track of time and…I'm sure you get where this is going."

"Ah yes!" Sikowitz exclaimed. "I heard about that classic television marathon as I was also, coincidentally, glued to the TV."

"Were you watching the shows too?" Robbie inquired.

"No, I heard about it as I was literally glued to my TV. Long story short: I should have been watching the cat in my house, not the cat on the television. To have avoided said story, I probably shouldn't have been doing that do-it-yourself project directly by my television."

"So how did you get unstuck?"

Sikowitz raised his arm to reveal a tiny TV attached to his hand. "Alas, I did not."

"That is a really small TV set," Beck noted. "You should get something bigger so you don't have to squint to see the screen."

"Yes, well we all don't make television star money like you Beck. Some of us have to live on a teacher's salary." Half of the room shuddered at that thought.

"Okay then," Tori stood at her place. "If we wanna get this done in an hour we should probably get this started. Anyone have any ideas." Sinjin raised his hands. "Yes, Sinjin."

Sinjin stood. "Well, remember our Hollywood Arts Senior Carnival where I juggled live puppies?"

"Why are you brining that up?"

"I kinda thought this time I could juggle live kittens. I don't think they mind being dropped so much—they have nine lives after all."

"No, Sinjin. Just...no."

"Yeah, and how do you even know that thing about kittens?" Andre questioned.

Sinjin shrugged. "Experience."

Tori addressed the group, "Okay would anyone else but Sinjin like to come up with the best idea for our Christmas show?"

Beck cleared his throat so Tori gestured for him to speak. "I'm surprised we haven't really thought of the obvious thing here." Everyone shared blank looks across the room. "When people think of church or religious related things at Christmastime isn't the Baby Jesus the first thing that comes to mind."

"So you're saying we should do something Baby Jesus related?"

Sinjin raised his hand. "I could-"

"No Sinjin, you can't juggle babies." Sinjin lowered his hand.

Trina sucked air through her teeth. "Yeah, I don't really wanna work with anyone under the age of twenty-eight, you people included."

"Trina, you're twenty-nine."

"Yes, and I'll be twenty-eight until I turn thirty, then I'll be twenty-nine forever."

Tori didn't bother trying to make sense of that statement. "Where are you going with this?"

"I don't want to act with a live baby creature."

Tori groaned. "We're not gonna use a real baby, Trina."

"Why not," Andre whispered. "If it gets rid of Trina faster I say we hire a real baby."

"Even if we did get a real baby, then how would we use it help us put on a show?" Tori got no response. "Thanks for the suggestions guys."

Robbie raised his hand. "You know, Cat and I could loan you an animatronic baby for free to save some money in the budget; if you wanna come back to our place and pick it up after the meeting."

"Yeah, okay, thanks Robbie. That's so nice that I won't question why you have a fake baby at your house."

"It was a gift from Cat's brother."

"Well that might explain everything then."

…

"Wow," Tori examined her surroundings as she got out of her car. "Robbie, this place is nice."

"Thanks," Robbie thanked as he got out of his car. "My Meemaw and Cat's Nona got us the down payment on this place as a 'sorry for humiliating you at your wedding this is a truce slash we don't want you to live with us' gift."

"Does this mean Meemaw likes Cat now?"

"Not really, no; but she is more civil to her now."

"Hey, you sure it's cool if I parked in your driveway? You don't have to park in the street on my account."

"No, I actually have a couple errands to run and just needed to show you how to get here. Make yourself at home and help yourself to anything in the kitchen that's not pickle related."

"Oh-kay," Tori sounded that out sounding both confused and creeped out, "I'll do that." Robbie smiled at her as he got back into his car and drove off. "Not pickle related?" She shrugged this off and entered their house. "Cat, it's Tori."

"Ooh, hi Tori!" Cat's voice responded somewhere in the house. "Could you give me a quick sec?"

"No rush; just be done by February tenth."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Sikowitz suggested we have a full meeting for our Christmas show on February tenth and half the group agreed with him."

"Isn't February tenth after Christmas?"

"Yes, Cat."

"If you had the meeting in February then you wouldn't have the Christmas show by Christmas."

"No, Cat," there was arguably no point to this. "I'll wait for you in the living room, alright."

"Kay, kay!" Cat cheerfully called back to her.

"Some things don't change," Tori observed to herself as she entered the living room. Not too long after she sat down, her phone started buzzing. With a groan, she checked the ID and answered the phone. "Hello Trina…what…no you can't play Madonna in a Christmas show…that's not the Madonna you're thinking of Trina…okay she may be old but she wasn't around during Jesus' life…no Trina, she did not steal the song '_Like a Virgin' _from the Virgin Mary...I don't know if we should do a musical- and even if we did you would not sing anything by Madonna…no, not even _'Santa Baby'_…well, I'm sure the perfect idea is right around the corner."

Cat poked out her head from behind the wall. "Hiiiiiiii!"

Tori turned to give a quick wave to Cat before looking forward to finish her phone conversation, "Spoke too soon…look Trina, I gotta go, I'll talk to you at home…no, you can't borrow my clothes, we're not even the same size…goodbye Trina," Tori hung up on her sister. "Cat, as much as I love Trina, I don't love Trina. You know what I mean?"

Cat quickly nodded before changing her mind. "No."

Tori shrugged before she finally noticed Cat. She leapt to her feet off the couch. "Oh my God, Cat!"

"Where?" Cat looked around. "Oh, you mean me?!" She giggled. "I thought you meant an actual cat 'cause Old Mr. Montgomery's cat somehow keeps sneaking in through-"

"Cat!"

Cat looked around again. "Oh, you still mean me."

"Why didn't you guys say something?"

"I said 'hi'."

"No, I meant about you being pregnant. Why didn't you guys tell us you were having a baby?"

"You didn't ask."

"Ah…" Tori was at a loss for words, "…so I guess your brother gave you an animatronic doll as a practice baby?"

"No, as a birthday present for Robbie. Charlie got the doll as a replacement for Rex."

"Aw, that's both sweet and creepy."

"Why do you need Little Rex anyway?"

"That's kinda creepy," Tori quickly commented before getting on topic. "Well you heard about Andre's Christmas show, right?" Cat nodded. "Beck came up with the idea to do a Nativity theme seeing as though the show's supposed to help raise money for Andre's church. Robbie mentioned you guys had an animatronic baby so I figured we could use it for Baby Jesus."

"I always knew Little Rex would follow in his father's footsteps."

Tori gave Cat a strange look while backing away inconspicuously. "Riiiight,"

"I guess doing the Nativity is an obvious choice."

"Yeah, it's just making it sort of original that's not-so-obvious. Maybe by using close to an actual baby we'd be one step toward individuality."

"A lot of Nativity scenes use fake dolls anyway."

"Try something different, right?"

"Yeah!"

"Now if only I could take my own advice." Tori slumped back onto the couch. "I tried thinking about a bunch of Nativities I've seen and they're pretty much all the same. Nothing stands out."

"Yeah, too bad you can't do an Old McDonald Nativity."

Tori furrowed her brow at Cat. "Come again?"

"When I was little I went to a version of the Nativity set on a real life farm using barnyard animals as all the characters."

Tori sat up straighter. "I can't believe I'm saying this; but tell me more."

"It was really fun! My Nona took Charlie and me to a farm and the farmer told the story as the actors acted it out around the barn dressed as animals. Even though the characters were animals it still seemed really cool having shepherds in a real field and Mary and Joseph in a real stable surrounded by actual farm animals as actual farm animals!"

"So humans were dressed as animals playing humans and real farm animals were farm animals in the play?" Cat nodded. "Seems kinda weird."

"It was an experimental thing. They tried it once but never did it again." Cat shrugged. "I guess some people didn't agree with an outdoor Nativity scene."

Tori gave her a strange look. "Yeah, I'm sure that's it."

* * *

><p><strong>This chapter was a bit harder to do. I had to take out a lot of the exchange between Geraldine and Alice because I wasn't quite sure how to work it into this fic.<strong>

**So that was part 2. Part 3 is comin' your way soon.**


	3. Audition Process

**So…I don't know if I'll be able to get this done by Christmas- New Year's probably, but not Christmas. Some last minute plans were made and now I'm spending the 23-29 visiting my family up north. I have no laptop, I'm fairly certain they have no Wi-Fi, and they live in a rural area where it'd be hard to find Wi-Fi. I actually finished chapter 2 and started this chapter in class because I had nothing else to do and wanted to get caught up on this (I don't recommend watching YouTube on a school computer either).**

**I guess you consider this an early and a late Christmas present. That's a good thing right? Right?**

**Anyway, here's the next part.**

* * *

><p>Tori set her coffee down at her little station at the Black Box where she would be holding auditions. Despite having involvement by a few friends and an animatronic doll, that wasn't exactly enough to complete a cast that included a Narrator, Mary, Joseph, King Herrod, an angel, three wise men, three shepherds, three kings, and the already casted Baby Jesus.<p>

Andre had agreed to sit with Tori through the process. "You came up with ideas for who plays what part."

"No," she replied. "I know I gotta give a decent part to Beck, and find something for Robbie, Sinjin, Sikowitz, and Trina, despite their lack of acting abilities. Are you sure you don't wanna be nice and help me out by playing a part."

"No can do, assistant director slash producer Vega; I'm providing the score for our show."

"You're just following the crowd playing on your portable keyboard."

"Why you gotta be like that? Why don't you give yourself a role?"

"Because I'm the assistant director slash producer and I have to suffer through these auditions. I'd prefer a role behind the scenes, thank you very much." Andre shrugged. "Should we get this over with?"

Andre looked at her stack of audition papers. "You think you should wait for some more people; maybe take another coffee break?"

"It's been two hours and nobody's showed up but these people; and the first person is Trina."

"She already got a part; what's she doin' auditioning?"

"I dunno. Could you just call her in for me?"

"Sure," Andre did as he was asked.

Trina quickly hurried into the theatre. "Hey Baby Sister."

"Trina, you're gonna get a part; why are you auditioning?"

"You're probably wondering which starring role to give me-"

"No."

"-so I thought I'd help out by auditioning for all the roles to show off my versatility."

Tori let out a breath (this was going to be a long day). "Okay Trina, whenever you're ready." She held out a script for Trina to take.

"Alright, I thought I'd start out by auditioning for one of the three wise men first."

"Uh…sure, whatever, I'll cue you in," Tori flipped through the pages. "Okay staring on page six. Ready?"

"Ready!"

"_Lo, behold, a wondrous star in the east_." What followed next was Trina reading the line so terribly that it was difficult to understand what she was saying without reading a script (which read "_Let's follow it, my noble companions_"). "TRINA!" Tori cut her off. "What are you doing?"

"Getting into character. I'm auditioning as a wise man by acting as a wise man."

"What wise man was that?"

"That guy in the wheelchair who talks in a robot voice."

"Stephen Hawking?"

"No, you're thinking of the author of all those horror books."

"Please leave."

"What about my reading for the other characters?"

"That won't be necessary."

"Oh, I get it; you're going to give me the starring role."

"Don't call us, we'll call you." With that, Trina left. "Okay Andre, it looks like Sinjin's next."

Andre didn't get up right away. "You sure you want me to get him?"

"We might as well; we've got nothing better to do and we do need to see who can play what role." Tori looked at the paperwork in front of her. "Looks like Sinjin's auditioning for one of the three kings."

"Just be grateful it's not another wise man," Andre remarked as he went to the door. "Sinjin, you're next." Andre quickly took his seat beside Tori and waited for Sinjin to enter. "Look on the bright side, Sinjin can't be as bad Trina." Sinjin then came into the room dressed like Elvis Presley wearing obviously fake sideburns and carrying a toilet brush. "Never mind."

"Sinjin," Tori struggled to find what to say. "What are you wearing?"

"I'm the king," Sinjin explained as he danced (terribly) like Elvis.

"Are you…are you gonna do an Elvis impression?"

"It'd be kinda weird to dress up like Elvis and not do an impression." Sinjin held the toilet brush close to his mouth and used it as a microphone. He then proceeded to do a terrible Elvis rendition of "_Can't Help Falling in Love_"

Thankfully, Tori stopped him before he finished the first verse. "Sinjin, can I get back to you?"

"Okay," he started to go, but stopped. "Hey Tori,"

Tori had her coffee to her lips ready to drink. "Yes, Sinjin," she began to drink.

"I don't have to sleep with you do I?"

And then she spat out her drink while a shocked Andre couldn't hold in his laughter. "Excuse you?!"

"Sometimes people get parts by sleeping with their director. I want to help with this show as best as I can but I don't want to sleep with you."

"I am so relieved to hear that last part."

"Is that a no?"

"That's a definite no. Trust me Sinjin, we'll find you a part."

"I don't have to sleep with Andre either do I?"

That got Andre to stop laughing. "Hell no!"

"I thought since you were both directors that maybe I'd have to-"

"NO!" both Andre and Tori shouted in sync.

Tori cleared her throat. "You don't have to sleep with anyone Sinjin. Like I said, we'll find you a part."

"And you didn't have to dress in costume to audition either," Andre added.

"Yeah, we'd prefer if you guys just read the roles like normal."

"Though that may be asking too much of you people."

"Sinjin, could you do us a favor and send in Sikowitz; he's next on my audition list."

Sinjin began nervously rubbing the back of his neck. "I don't think that's a good idea."

"Why not?"

"He's auditioning for one of the kings too and he's also in costume."

Tori let out an exasperated sigh. "I guess that's alright; as long it's not Martin Luther King," she and Andre shared a laugh.

Sinjin, however, did not laugh. "Uh...I'll tell him to come back later," Sinjin nearly bolted out of the door.

"Oh-kay then," Tori threw the paperwork in the air, "we're done now."

Andre managed to catch one of them. "That's it? Just those three losers. That ain't enough to fill a cast."

"At least we casted Baby Jesus." There was a knock on the door. "Come in!" Robbie and Cat made their way into the Black Box. Cat was wearing a simple blue sundress with a white bathrobe and Robbie was wearing what appeared to be a towel on his head. "Uh…can we help you?"

"We want to play Mary and Joseph," Cat proudly replied. "With me as Mary."

"Oh God," Tori quickly realized what she said and corrected herself with, "Oh good! But Cat, are you sure that's a good idea with you being pregnant and all? I could have you play the role of 'lady who sleeps through the entire show'—it's less tiring."

"Ooh yeah, that does sound nice; but I really wanna play Mary. Robbie and I wanna do something fun with our friends before the baby comes."

Andre quirked a brow. "And you chose this?"

"Well…" Tori tried to weasel her way out of them being in the show despite needing a bigger cast (they had enough weirdos), "…you don't fit vital audition qualifications."

"Like what?" the other three asked simultaneously.

"Like…carpentry! Joseph was a carpenter."

"One sec," Robbie hurried out into the hall and came back with a handmade wooden chair and shelf. "I've been taking some night classes."

Tori noted Andre's "take that" look directed toward her. "Well…good for you Rob," Robbie beamed with pride, "but your major flaw is being English. Mary and Joseph spoke Hebrew and you two-"

Tori was then one-upped again when Cat suddenly spoke what seemed like fluent Hebrew, "אני יכול לעשות את זה! למדתי כמה עברית בעוד רובי נלקח שיעורי ערב."

Robbie nodded. "ובגלל המורשת היהודית שלי, הייתי צריך ללמוד עברית לבר המצווה שלי"

Cat gave a proud nod in response. "הוא זכר הרבה עברית"

"זו הייתה תקופה אפלה בחיי אני מקווה לא לחיות מחדש שוב"

"הוא מחדש למד כמה עברית בשבילי כי אני רוצה לשחק מרי"

"והיא רצתה אותי לשחק יוסף"

"אז האם אנחנו מקבלים את החלקים?"

While giving Tori the same "take that" look, Andre also made that "uhm-hmm"/that showed you type noise.

"Okay," there wasn't any way for Tori to get out of this one, "you guys do follow on some vital requirements."

"She's also with child like Mary was," Andre pointed out.

"Yes, thank you Andre," Tori then addressed Cat and Robbie. "I'll think about it, okay?"

"That means no," Cat began to wail.

"Thought about it!" Tori plastered a smile on her face. "And you guys got the parts!"

"Yay!" Cat gave Tori a great big hug. "I gotta pee now," she hurried out of the room.

"See you on set Tori Spielberg," Robbie remarked as he followed his wife out.

Tori drudged back to her seat and slumped in her chair with an "Oy vey!"

"You know," Andre began, "I think we got something."

"We do?"

"Yeah. We casted Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus; we can have Trina, Sinjin, and Sikowitz as the three wise men, shepherds, and kings. Hey, you can make the angel the narrator and play that part! "

"I suppose I could," Tori reluctantly agreed, "but what about Beck? The only other available role would be King Herrod and that seems more suitable for Jade, who wants absolutely nothing to do with this."

"Beck's an _actor_, he can _act_."

"Since when did you get so sassy?"

* * *

><p><strong>Figured I'd end there because the next scene were rehearsals.<strong>

**Okay, so I don't speak Hebrew; but Google Translate helped. Roughly translated, the conversation is supposed to be:**

CAT: "I can do it! I learned some Hebrew while Robbie was taking evening classes."

ROBBIE: "And because of my Jewish heritage, I had to learn Hebrew for my Bar Mitzvah."

C: "He remembered a lot of Hebrew"

R: "It was a dark period of my life I hoped never to relive again."

C: "He re-learned some Hebrew for me because I wanna play Mary."

R: "And she wanted me to play Joseph."

C: "So do we get the parts?"

**There, so now you don't have to go searching for the meaning.**


	4. Survival (Rehearsal Edition)- Part One

**Here's hoping I can get this done before I leave tomorrow (boy, would that be a surprise). The episode itself is like 40 minutes (counting credits and the opening theme) and we're less than 15 minutes in (and I cut some stuff).**

**Oh well, let's just get back to it.**

* * *

><p>The first day of rehearsals hadn't even started and Tori was ready to call it a day. "I see where you're going with this costume idea Sikowitz, but Billie Jean was not one of the three kings."<p>

Sikowitz, dressed in a female tennis player's outfit, looked at her confused. "You mean this isn't one of the costumes for the wise men?"

"Uh, no. Just take a seat not next to me and we'll get started." With a shrug, Sikowitz did as he was requested. Tori moved to the center and addressed the crowd. "Okay everyone, welcome to the first rehearsal. Before we get started, let's go around the room and introduce ourselves and which characters we play. I'll start: I'm Tori—hi—and I'm one of the directors and I'm also playing the announcing angel slash narrator." Tori gestured for the person on her right, Andre, to go.

Andre didn't bother to stand. "I'm Andre: I'm also a director, and I'm providing the show's music." He turned to his right. "Your turn Little Red."

"Kay, kay! Hiiii," Cat waved, "I'm Cat and I'm playing Mary."

"I'm Robbie," Robbie introduced himself, "I'm playing Joseph."

Beck took a bit of a reluctant pause before simply stating, "Beck, Herrod, next." There was no response. "Sikowitz!"

"Good Gandhi!" Sikowitz stood to attention. "Erwin Hamilton Sikowitz! I play various number threes!"

Trina made a face and pointed to Sikowitz. "Do I really have to sit next to this freak?"

"Just go, Trina!" Tori ordered.

"Why? They all know who I am and that I'm number one with everything."

"Okay Sinjin, you go."

Sinjin gave an awkward wave. "I'm Sinjin, I play all the twos."

"Great, now-"

"Wait, I have more to say."

"Oh, good."

"I think you're gonna like this. I don't know if you guys are aware, but I'm temporarily living with Sikowitz while I'm working at Hollywood Arts."

"How is this relevant to the show?"

"I have a point."

"Could you get to it?" Beck coldly asked.

"Wow, no wonder you're playing Herrod." Beck rolled his eyes at that. "Anyway, when I'm not staying here, I live with my uncle on a nearby farm land. I figured since my Uncle was leaving this Christmas, I'd go back to watch the farm for him and maybe host our show on said farm."

Tori's eyes went wide. "You got us a farm?"

"For free?" Andre added.

Sinjin nodded. "I guess it's my Christmas gift for you guys."

Tori was speechless, and in a good way for once. "Wow Sinjin, thanks." Sinjin blushed and looked away. "Okay, people, we got a farm!" the group applauded. "And with that bit of good news, I think it's time we get this rehearsal going. I thought we'd start with a little improv; give a chance for you guys to get to explore the background of your characters. Uh…Cat, Robbie, why don't you guys start; and remember, this is just pretend." Tori helped Cat to her feet. "Alrighty Cat, you're young, you're unmarried, you're a virgin, and yet you find out you're pregnant."

"You know, that happened to my sister Courtney; does that mean she was pretending?"

"What?"

"My sister had a baby without having sex with a man."

"Was she artificially inseminated?"

"No."

"Then that's not possible, Sinjin."

"Plus, I heard Courtney slept with your redhead special effect crony," Beck inputted.

"Really?" Andre was a bit surprised. "I heard she slept with the black-haired guy."

"Didn't she admit she slept with your best friend Burf?" Trina questioned.

This time Sikowitz put in his two cents. "And coincidentally, didn't she bed all these men around the time she conceived her son?"

Sinjin fidgeted in his seat. "I guess those weren't her underwear I found in the guest room."

Beck quirked a brow. "You thought your sister wore men's underwear?"

"Hey, I don't judge."

"Can we please?" an irate Tori wanted for quiet. "Thank you. Cat, did you get all your character info?" Cat gave her a blank look. "Your character's a young, unmarried, virgin who's mysteriously pregnant. And on the day you find out, your fiancée Joseph, a humble carpenter, returns home. You guys got that?" Robbie and Cat nodded. "Good," Tori took her seat. "Action!"

Cat mimed some undistinguishable action as Robbie pretended to knock on the door. "Knock, knock."

"Ooh," Cat and Mary shared the same enthusiasm apparently, "people!"

"It's me, Joseph…your boyfriend….a humble carpenter."

"Come on in Joe."

"At least she didn't whisper Robbie's name," Andre whispered to Tori. Tori quickly shushed him as they resumed watching.

Cat was continuing with the scene. "Busy day?"

"Yeah, been…carpentering all day," improv was not Robbie's strong suit (at least not without a puppet heckling him). "What'd you do today?"

"Um…I did some shopping for dinner."

"Great, what are we having?"

"I thought it'd be a surprise."

"Cool."

"Speaking of surprises: when I came home from shopping, the angel of the Lord was waiting and he then told me I was with child. Apparently, this child is gonna be like a savior of all mankind or something."

"Also cool. You wanna watch a chariot race or something?"

"Wait, cut!" Tori interrupted as she rose to her feet. "Is that it?"

"They didn't have chariot races back then?"

"No, I meant your reaction. Your _virgin_ girlfriend tells you she's pregnant and you act like…_that_?"

"So you want a little more emotion?"

"Yeah, but don't overreact, you know." Robbie nodded. "Okay," Tori stepped aside. "Action!"

There was a brief pause before Cat started the scene. "So, Joseph: I'm pregnant with the son of God."

"Oh," Robbie started twitching about, "I guess I'm okay with it if it's the son of God. Do you wanna bake some cookies?"

"Kay, kay!"

"NO! NO! NO!" Tori interrupted. "Robbie, you are completely useless at improv unless you have a creepy puppet with you. Sit down, I'll perform the scene with Cat and give you an idea of what I'm talking about."

"Ooh, I get to be married to Tori," Cat giggled.

"Ready Cat?"

"Ready!"

"Okay, action!" Tori pretended to enter all manly. "Hello, Mary," Tori did her best to sound like a man.

"Hi Joseph!"

"Any news?"

"Yeah, I'm kinda, sorta, gonna have a baby."

"Whoa, hang out a minute; you're telling me you're pregnant!?"

"Yep!"

"Well who's the father you little tramp?"

Cat gasped in shock looking like she was about to cry. "God almighty is the father."

"Yeah, like I haven't heard that story before. Come on you little harlot, who's the father?"

Cat was near tears. "I don't know. I woke up and went to the bathroom and an angel of the lord was waiting at the toilet and he told me I was pregnant with the son of God and that we needed toilet paper."

"Oh, you were telling the truth. I'm sorry, Honey," Tori went in for a hug-

-but Cat backed away. "Get away from me you bastard!"

"Heh?" Tori (and everyone else) was obviously stunned by that.

"How could you doubt me? I never wanna see you again; I'm going to Bethlehem on my own," Cat turned around to leave, but quickly turned around with a large smile on her face. "Was that the end of the scene?"

…

As everyone was leaving rehearsals, Beck came over to Tori with a chocolate bar. "Thought you'd need this more than me."

Tori made some undistinguishable noise of pleasure. "OMG thank you, you are a lifesaver!"

"Yeah, that's who I am; a good guy."

Tori knew where this was going. "Beck-"

"I was thinking we could make some slight changes to my character. You know, help bring out his nice side."

"The nice side of Herrod?" Beck nodded. "Oh, kinda like bringing out the playful side of Hitler?"

"Hey, Hitler was a good artist, so he had a little bit of a playful, nice side in addition to being…Hitler."

"Beck-"

"Herrod is a cultured, sophisticated, man who happens to massacre one batch of babies and suddenly that's all people remember."

"Why are you defending the guy?"

"Because I'm playing him. Tori, I never play bad guys; I've got an image as the good guy. What if little kids see me as a baby killing king and get the wrong idea?"

"Beck, you're acting."

"Yeah, but those kids don't know that. That's why I came up with an alternate script," Beck handed her a crinkled up sheet of paper from his pocket. "I know I'm not really much of a writer, but I hope you get the idea."

Tori began to read the script. "_As Herrod lovingly pets his pet kitten, Fluffles, he turns to two soldiers._ _Herrod: 'Soldiers, take a battalion of men to Judea and kiss all the babies there'. Soldier One: 'Did he say _kiss_ all the babies?' Soldier Two, who is slightly deaf: 'No, he said _kill _all the babies.' Soldier One: 'Alright, let's go and massacre them then'._" Tori gave Beck an odd look. "You realize this ain't happenin'."

"That bad of a script, huh?"

"You can't alter historical characters for your benefit, Beck."

"Tell that to people who make biographical movies."

"If you're uncomfortable playing such a bad guy who kills babies, ask your girlfriend to play the part."

"I did. She said the only thing better than playing a baby killer is _not_ playing a baby killer. I told her that made no sense, she stabbed me with a fork."

"Again?"

"I did manage to convince her to help make some stuff for our show."

"How'd you do that?"

"By promising her that I, or anyone else involved in the show, won't ask her to act in it."

"Ah."

"It's not like she could anyway; she's going to some Halloween film festival the day we scheduled our show."

"Halloween film festival in _December_?"

"I was also afraid to ask."

* * *

><p><strong>Yeah, the ending and transitions in the show weren't that great either.<strong>

**Another part done, yay! Is it a great part? No. But at least we got something else accomplished.**

**Gonna try to get some more stuff accomplished.**


	5. Survival (Rehearsal Edition)- Part Two

**Since the last chapter featured Part 1 in the name, this one is obviously part 2.**

**Enjoy**

* * *

><p>Sinjin and Sikowitz were using their prop herding sticks as light sabers and Trina was on her phone when Tori arrive at rehearsals trying not to get hit by Sinjin or Sikowitz. "Dudes!" When they heard Tori, everyone immediately stopped and looked up at her. "Do not use those props like that. We can not afford to keep buying them because you guys keep breaking them in a fake duel." That got the guys to stop. "Okay, come on, let's get this started. Sinjin, prompt me in case I forget my lines." They took their places. "Now you're in the field, you're tending your sheep, and then the angel of the Lord appears. Here's where you guys need to ad-lib; come up with a brief conversation until I come in. Ready?" the others nodded. "Great! Action!" Tori ran to the side.<p>

It was awkward silence until Sinjin spoke. "So, did anyone watch _Gilligan's Island_ last night?"

"A conversation that would take place in the olden days, Sinjin."

"It's an old TV show."

Tori groaned and rushed over to her little platform to the side of the "shepherds". "Lo; an angel of the Lord appeared before them. Be not afraid, for I am an angel of the Lord and I bring you tidings of great joy." Tori took a dramatic pause.

But Sinjin didn't seem to get that. "_For tonight in the city of-_"

"No, no, no! I didn't forget my lines, that was an intended pause."

"It looked like you forgot your line."

"You obviously haven't studied up on the dramatic pause, have you Sinjin?" Sinjin shrugged. "Look, if I forget my line, I'll let you know, okay." Sinjin nodded. "Alright, let's try this again." Tori cleared her throat. "Be not afraid, for I am an angel of the Lord and I bring you tidings of great joy." She took another dramatic pause.

"_For tonight-_"

"I KNOW THE LINE SINJIN! That was the pause!"

"It was a longer pause; I thought you were trying to remember your lines."

"Ugh! Let's just go back to the beginning of the scene. And please, don't say anything."

"Not even our lines?"

"YES YOUR LINES!" Tori threw her script at Trina. "Here Trina, you can be my backup prompter." Trina was too busy focusing on her phone. "TRINA!"

Trina looked up at her sister. "What?"

"Could you be my backup prompter please?"

"Whatever," Trina brought the script closer to her.

"Thank you!" Tori angrily replied as she stomped back to her podium.

"She's not very angelic, is she?" Sikowitz commented to Sinjin rather loudly. "If you ask me-"

"AND LO," Tori interrupted louder than Sikowitz, "an angel of the Lord appeared before them." Tori stopped to let out an aggravated breath.

Trina took this as her cue to prompt her sister. "_Be not afraid_-"

"No, be afraid!" Tori snapped. "Be _very_ afraid!"

…

As Tori stomped her way out of the rehearsal room, Cat waddled over to her. "Hiii!"

"Hi Cat," Tori crankily replied back.

"Ooh, you could out grumpy Grumpy Cat."

"It's this play! It's just stressing me out. I want to do the right thing and help Andre but it's like every time I try, it blows up in my face." Cat gasped. "No, nothing literally blows up in my face. I just mean everything goes wrong."

"This might be a bad time to say something; but I don't think I should play Mary."

"Excuse you?"

"Mothers-to-be really ought to avoid stress and you just said this was really stressful."

"Stressful for _me_ Cat. You don't really have anything to worry about. You just stand around and be pregnant and say your one line, _'but I am great with child'_. We compensated for your pregnancy brain by giving you a lot less to memorize than everyone else, you know."

"But what if I forget my line?"

"It's only six words, Cat."

"I would worry, and the worrying could cause me internal damage. Tori, what if I accidentally add a word?"

"That's fine. Just so long as you remember the basic gist of your line. Cat, it's too late to back out now. I promise you won't be stressed out."

"You do?"

"I do." Cat giggled. "What?"

"It sounded like you were playing my husband again when you said 'I do'."

And for some strange reason, that brought a much needed smile to Tori's face.

…

At the end of the day's rehearsal, Tori gathered everyone around. "Okay so thank you all for a…a day of rehearsal. I've gathered you here today to present our new poster." Tori proudly displayed the poster with the title, _'The Greatest Story Ever Told'_ bolded in the center.

"LIE!" Sikowitz's outburst startled the group.

"Sikowitz, what the heck?"

"That poster is a lie."

"Heh?"

"I doubt this is the _greatest _story ever told. Surely there have been better stories; like the story where a wealthy couple thought they were burgled and had security camera footage looked over. As it turned out, nothing was stolen; but they got lovely footage of the burglars sticking toothpaste up their anuses."

"So what, you think I should call this the _second g_reatest story ever told?" Tori sarcastically questioned back.

"What about that other story?" Robbie piped up. "That one about the couple driving and their tire suddenly went flat. As the woman stays in the car and calls the cops, the husband goes out to check everything out. Soon the woman hears banging on the roof of the car. Then when the cops arrive they tell the woman to stay in the car because an escaped lunatic was on top of the car banging her husband's decapitated head against the roof."

"Then maybe we'll retitle this _one of the top ten _stories ever told?"

"Plus all those books by Stephanie Meyer," Sinjin felt compelled to add.

"Freako's right," Trina agreed.

"The stories they have on the local news are always great," Robbie noted.

"Ooh, especially the animal ones," Cat remarked.

"I'm partial to Stephen King books myself," for some reason, Beck was contributing.

"Beck?" Tori couldn't believe he was participating.

"Sorry, but I think there are some stories way more interesting than the birth of Jesus. It sounds blasphemous, I know, but people get tired of hearing the same story over and over again."

"And besides," Robbie began, "some of us are Jewish or don't celebrate Christmas."

"You're Jewish and you celebrate Christmas," Tori reminded.

"I call it Chrismakkuh."

Andre made his way to the center of the room. "Can I just remind y'all of the story we're _actually_ telling?" The room went silent. "Over 2000 years ago, a baby was born in a stable of all places. Yet during his lifetime, this poor baby grew up to be the savior. He said things that millions of people still live by today. He was a good guy who tried to bring out the goodness in everyone and was killed for his beliefs. This baby was the great miracle, the son of God, and here we are today retelling a part of his life, his birth. I don't know 'bout y'all, but I think that's a pretty great story."

Tori tried not to shed any tears. "Andre, that was beautiful."

"Thank you," Andre seriously thanked before saying, "though that story about the toothbrushes was actually pretty great."

* * *

><p><strong>Tori doesn't have to get all the big speeches and moments you know- Andre deserves some love too.<strong>

**Okay, that will be the final of the behind the scenes stuff. The next chapter will start the actual show. It may very well be the longest, I'm still not sure if it will be divided into multiple parts like the rehearsals but hey, this gives you something to look forward to.**

**For the record I DO NOT like the works of Stephanie Meyer. I just added her because I doubt a lot of people have read a book by romance author Jackie Collins (who was mentioned in the episode).**


	6. Showtime

**Ha yeah, this is a little later than I anticipated. I got back mid-afternoon the 29****th****, went to the movies to complete my Christmas list and see **_**Into the Woods**_** (I always recommend it so please, go see it), and then the next day I was sick. I ate way too much and I paid the price.**

**But I'm back now and hopefully I can finish this before 2015. We don't have much left anyway, just their show and an ending scene.**

**So let's get this over with.**

* * *

><p>Tori and Andre watched as crowds began to form on Sinjin's farm. "People actually showed up!" Andre was in disbelief. "It's a Christmas miracle!"<p>

"It's not a Christmas miracle until we raise enough money for your church," Tori pointed out. She and Andre continued watching the people gather until the two were startled by a mousy voice saying, "Hi." Turning around, they were relieved to see Cat standing there. "Oh Cat, it's just you."

"Tori, remember when I said I didn't think I should play Mary?" Cat asked.

Andre turned to Tori. "She said what now?"

"I don't think I can play Mary."

This time, Andre turned to Cat. "You say what now?"

"It's just a bout of stage fright," Tori tried to assure them. "Cat, I told you, everything would be fine. It's too late to back out now."

"But-"

"Everything is going to be fine," Tori interrupted.

"But Tori-"

Tori clapped her hands together. "Okay, everyone, final cast and crew meeting." Everyone gathered in the center. "So it's practically showtime, and I just wanted to say break a leg, everybody!"

Sinjin raised his hand. "Do I really have to break my leg? Can I break someone else's leg?"

"Sinjin, how long have you done theatre work?" Sinjin shrugged. "Break a leg is what actors say instead of good luck."

"Why?"

"Because it's bad luck to say good luck."

"Heh?"

"Don't worry about it. Okay, now if you feel the need to improvise or ad-lib, I actually recommend doing so."

Cat gasped and clutched her stomach. "Uh-oh, I think it's really happening."

"That's good, Cat; just like that! Now go on out there everyone and give them Hell!" Everyone cheered. Suddenly, Tori turned back, "Actually, no don't do that. Give them a very heavenly performance; this is for a church after all."

…

Tori climbed onto a rickety old car they placed at the front of the farm. "Good evening ladies and gentlemen! Hi." She let out a small laugh. "Welcome to our Farmyard Nativity Fundraiser. As you know, there was a one dollar entrance fee but we will also be accepting donations courtesy of our little angels, who are two little cousins of our cast." Tori pointed to two adorable little kids dressed like angels. The first one was carrying a black donation bucket that said 'Give Us Lots of Cash' and the second one held up a more menacing bucket with black and red that said 'Or Else'. "Our donation buckets were so generously made by Hollywood Arts alumni Jade West if you couldn't tell."

"Attention people!" Sinjin was over to the side near a cow. "Tomorrow I'll be personally slaughtering this cow Daisy. So if you need to, please order your Christmas beef after the show!"

"Yes, thank you Sinjin, you can leave now." Sinjin did as he was instructed. "That was cast and crew member Sinjin van Cleef who provided the farm for us to hold this Nativity show on. And speaking of providing," Andre took this as his cue to enter, "tonight's score will be provided by Andre Harris, another Hollywood Arts alumni." Andre waved. "You ready Andre?" Andre nodded and began playing some music. Tori faced the crowd. "And it came to pass, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus, that all the world should be taxed. So Joseph went to Bethlehem with Mary, his espoused wife, who was great with child, and riding upon a donkey," Tori extended her arm and Robbie made his way through the crowd pulling Cat on a lawnmower. "Unfortunately the donkey ran away during rehearsals this afternoon so Mary rode on a motorized lawnmower. That reminds me: if anyone comes across a lost donkey, please return him-"

"HER!"

Tori gritted her teeth at Sinjin's interruption, "-_her_ to the farm." Tori got off the car. "If you will all follow me please," she led the audience to the stable entrance with the word 'inn' painted on the door. "And so Mary and Joseph came unto an inn in Bethlehem where they knocked on the door." Robbie knocked on the door, but nothing happened. Tori cleared her throat and in a raised voice stated, "Where they knocked on the door!"

"Good Gandhi!" there were a few thuds before Sikowitz came to the stable door. "I would like to state for the record that that was like that before."

"What?" Tori shook her head. "Never mind." She gestured for Robbie to say his line.

"Innkeeper," Robbie (as Joseph) began, "have you a room where we may rest?"

"No, but may I suggest the Parker Nichols Hotel a few miles down the road—they offer free breakfast."

There was a long pause. Someone had forgotten their line. Tori faked a cough and whispered, "And I am great with child."

"Also, I am great with child," Sikowitz remarked. "Am I really?"

Tori shushed him, and tried to inconspicuously point to Cat. "Cat, you!"

Cat gasped. "That's me!" She looked like she was about to cry. "But also, I am great with child." She let out a sad squeal. "I forgot my line!"

There was another pause. Helping with the cues again, Tori leaned close to Sikowitz. "In that case, I have a stable you can use."

Sikowitz looked at Cat and Robbie. "In that case, Tori has a stable you can use."

Tori rolled her eyes before addressing the crowd. "And so Mary and Joseph went into the stable the _innkeeper_," she put a heavy emphasis on innkeeper, "so kindly offered." Robbie and Cat started to walk away forgetting Tori was continuing. "There to make preparations for the birth of the Holy Child." She gestured for Cat and Robbie to start walking toward the manger setup.

During the walk, Cat, clutching her stomach, stopped and let out another gasp. "I can feel it coming."

"Good acting, Little Red," Andre quietly complimented.

"But I really can," Cat whined as Robbie led her away.

Tori gave Cat a thumbs up before she maneuvered closer to Andre. "That was real good, wasn't it?"

Andre nodded. "I was convinced."

"As was I!" Sikowitz added. "I was also quite good, was I not?"

"No," Tori and Andre agreed in unison.

…

Tori led the crowd to another set on the farm. "At that time, in Jerusalem, King Herrod had heard of the impending birth of the so called King of the Jews. King Herrod was very troubled by this because he was a cruel, and jealous man."

Beck gestured to his soldiers (Trina and Sinjin). "Soldiers, go forth unto Bethlehem and kill all the infants in that region for there shall be no other king but me."

Tori seemed pleased with his acting. "And so-"

"But," much to Tori's surprise, Beck wasn't finished, "kill them _gently_, for I am not as cruel as _some_," he directed this at Tori, "would have me be."

Tori struggled to maintain cool. "And so-"

"In fact," here we go again, "I really love children." Beck rose from his fake throne. "You know, I see some here in the audience tonight," he reached for a nearby bowl. "Why don't you guys have some candy?" He held out the bowl to the kids.

"Thank you Herrod," a little boy thanked as he took a _Snickers_.

A little girl took a _Reese's_. "Thank you Herrod."

Beck handed a bag of _M&M's_ to another little girl. "I love you Herrod," the little girl sweetly stated.

"Yo Herrod," Andre raised his hand, "can I get a _Twix_ over here!"

"Andre!" Tori scolded.

"What, you want one too?"

…

The next scene took place in a small field with Trina, Sinjin, and Sikowitz as the shepherds. Tori took her place to the left of them. "Meanwhile, in the fields, some shepherds were tending their flock," she rushed over between Sinjin and Trina and loudly whispered, "Improvise."

"Uh…" Sinjin looked around. After hearing a 'baa', he pointed in the direction of the sound. "See that ewe over there? She's pretty." He lovingly looked at Trina. "But not as pretty as you."

Trina made a disgusted face. "I'm engaged to Drake."

"The rapper actor or the Bell guy?"

"Does it matter?"

"Which one has the restraining order against you?"

"Both."

Tori loudly cleared her throat and stood center. "And lo, an angel of the Lord appeared before them- and they were so afraid." Trina, Sinjin, and Sikowitz (terribly) acted as if they were afraid. Using this time, Tori pushed a button hidden in her angel costume and a set of wings popped out. "Be not afraid, for I am an angel of the Lord and I bring you tidings of great joy." With a satisfied smile, she took a pause as a halo popped up to complete the angel costume.

Naturally, Trina didn't know this was a pause. "For tonight, in the-"

"SHUT UP!" Tori snapped. "I know what comes next," she took a moment to regain composure. "I bring you tidings of great joy," she pointed at the shepherds and glared.

As this was going on, Cat and Robbie were resting in the nearby manger setup. Well, Robbie was resting. Cat was leaning against a bale of hay taking a series of deep breaths. "You know, you're really good," Robbie complimented. "I mean like a Meryl Streep quality performance?"

Cat took a pause and smiled at him. "Aww thanks, you really think I'm good?"

"You got me convinced. I mean you're making it seem like you're actually having a baby."

"I am!" Cat let out a pained groaned of annoyance and resumed breathing.

"Well yeah, your character is." She groaned again. "Maybe I should start up with the acting classes again."

…

Meanwhile, Tori (and Andre) were leading the audience. "And so it was that the three kings—who looked remarkably like the shepherds and wise men, but were completely different people—approached the manger…"she got a look at what Trina, Sinjin, and Sikowitz were doing, "…doing a camel riding impersonation, I think."

"They must not have a lot in their budget," an audience member whispered.

"Okay, moving on," Tori (and Andre) guided the audience to the manger setup. "And as they came unto the manger, they saw Mary, who was extremely great with child, looking really exhausted."

The audience was in fact witnessing a really exhausted Mary against the bale of hay with a frantic and confused Joseph fanning her. Tori continued with a brief explanation as Robbie finally got a look at what was going on. "Oh my God!" Struggling to form words, all he could do was faint.

Sinjin went over to Cat, bowed, and got a not-so-good look at what Robbie had seen. "Jesus, she's having a baby."

"I thought the line was 'she's having a baby Jesus'?" Trina questioned.

"No, really, she's actually having a baby, look!"

Trina and Sikowitz did as they were instructed. "Good Gandhi!" Sikowitz proclaimed.

"Psst," Trina tried to get her sister's attention. "Tori!"

Tori feigned a cheery disposition. "Would you all excuse me for a moment, thank you," She quickly turned to Andre. "Play some music!" Andre obeyed as an agitated Tori went over to the three kings. "What the heck guys?" Tori finally observed what was going on. "Holy chiz!" Tori somehow kept cool. "We need towels! Sinjin, run up to your house and get towels."

"I don't have any towels," Sinjin explained.

"You don't have any towels?"

"Why would I need towels?"

"To dry yourself after a bath or shower."

"I don't have a bath or shower."

"That explains so much," Trina felt the need to say.

Ignoring her sister, Tori began looking around in frenzy. "Sikowitz, your costume is pretty much made of towels!"

"An excellent point!" Sikowitz remarked. He stood there.

"Give me the towels please!"

"Oh, yes!" He took a towel from around his torso, his lower half, and as he was about to remove the final towel that covered his crotch area, a chorus of "NOs" erupted from the group.

Tori addressed the audience. "Could you guys excuse us for a moment?" Before completely turning around, she directed her attention to the audience. "Actually, is there a doctor on the farm?"

A man spoke up. "I'm a psychologist."

"Okay, that'll work!"

"Uh no," Beck made his way through the crowd. "My godchild isn't going to be delivered by Sigmund Freud." He approached the scene. "I mean, surely delivering a baby is common sense." When Beck got a look, he also fainted.

"Well he's useless," Tori looked at the three kings. "Could you guys drag him to the side or something?"

"Yes, yes," Sikowitz lifted Beck's feet and began dragging him away with limited help from Sinjin and Trina, "it's probably not a good idea to have Herrod deliver the baby anyway,"

Tori hurried over to Andre, grabbed his arm (making him drop his keyboard), and pulled him toward Cat. "Andre, you have to help me!"

"Help you what?" and then Andre got a look at what was going on. "Ah-ah, hell no! I ain't goin' down south! This delivery manger ain't no place for a man."

Tori growled at him. "Fine, then you can hold her hand and I'll go down south."

Andre went over to Cat's side. "How you doin' Little Red?"

"It really hurts," Cat whimpered.

"Yeah, it looks like it. Here," he took her hand in his. "Hold on to my hand, grip it as tight as you like." Cat did just that as a contraction came up. And from the following look on Andre's face, you'd figure he was in just as much pain as Cat was. When the contraction passed and Cat let go of his hand, Andre clutched his hand in pain and sobbed (somewhat wishing he and Tori could switch places).

"Uh-oh, here comes another one!"

"Ah-ah, no way!" Andre forcibly sat Robbie up and put Cat's hand in Robbie's. The pain from the gripping of Cat's hand soon brought Robbie back to consciousness.

"Shouldn't we do something?" Sinjin asked Trina and Sikowitz. "I mean, we're the three kings."

"I ain't doin' nothin'," Trina decided.

"It's probably best to stand back and observe," Sikowitz agreed. "Besides, most kings are useless anyway."

Tori looked up from between Cat's legs. "Just one more push Cat, I can see the head…at least I hope that is a head."

"What's that supposed to mean?" a frightened Cat questioned.

"Just push, Cat!"

A woman in the audience seemed impressed with this. "It's very realistic, isn't it?"

The man next to her nodded. "This must be what most of the budget went into."

"It's coming!" Tori called out. "It's coming!" Tori was then rendered speechless as the cries of a newborn baby and the applause of the audience encompassed the farm.

Andre went over to Tori. "I stand corrected; _that_ is a real Christmas miracle."

…

Nearing the end, a proud Tori delivered the last lines. "And there, in a manger, over two thousand years ago, God himself took part in the miracle of birth. And Mary held in her arms a very special, and very realistic child." Tori winked over at Cat before turning over to Andre. "Andre, would you do the honors?"

"You got it," Andre picked up his keyboard and readied his non-injured hand. "Ready when you are."

Tori began to conduct. "And one, two, one, two, three…four." And the cast (even Beck, who never claimed to be a good singer) began singing _Silent Night _horribly off key, scaring the baby and making it cry. "Ssh," Tori quieted them down as best she could as they finished their quick verse. They softly resumed their singing as the audience joined in. And when it was over, Tori let out a contented sigh. "Merry Christmas, to you all."

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><p><strong>Yeah, I didn't really know where to stop so I made this an extra-long chapter. One more chapter to go before this is officially over.<strong>


	7. Epilogue

**Final chapter, that's all I have to say. Just keepin' everything short.**

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><p>Tori sat on Robbie and Cat's couch and fawned over their newborn baby. "This really is the most beautiful baby I've ever seen."<p>

Jade, who returned for Christmas, groaned as she came from the kitchen. "Yeah, well I still hate kids."

"You hate everything Babe," Beck said to her before directing his attention to Cat and Robbie. "Hey guys, I'm sorry I was totally useless last night during all that birth stuff."

"I don't blame you, man," Andre commented.

"It's okay," Robbie assured. "I mean, the same thing that happened to you guys also happened to me."

Andre lifted his bandaged hand. "Yeah, minus the broken hand." Jade smacked his injured hand. "Ow!"

"Quit complaining," she griped. "At least your pathetic little failure of a show raised the money you needed."

"Yeah, but that still hurt."

"Good."

"Tori, can I ask you something," Cat began, changing the subject.

"Sure Cat," Tori allowed.

"Did I actually give birth to the son of God?"

Tori gave her a funny look. "No, Cat."

Cat breathed a happy sigh of relief. "Good."

"I mean, you did have a girl after all."

"Oh yeah," Cat giggled. "I did."

"So have you guys thought of any names for her?"

Robbie nodded. "Cat and I actually came up with an idea last night. Go ahead, Cat."

"Kay, kay," Cat acknowledged her husband. "Robbie and I felt kinda bad that we already decided Beck and Jade would be the baby's godparents after what you did for us, Tori."

Tori put her hand over her heart. "Aww, you guys, that's so sweet."

"What is?"

"You naming her after me."

"We're not naming her after you."

"Oh."

"I mean, not unless you want us to."

"What?"

"We're gonna let you pick her first name."

"Seriously?" the other four questioned.

"What about the middle name?" Beck inquired. "Did you decide on a middle name?"

"Yeah, we did actually," Robbie replied. "We thought we'd make it up to Andre by using his name as a middle name."

"Then the baby was a girl so we had to add an 'A' to the name," Cat finished.

"It's the least we could do."

Andre made a disagreeable noise. "The least you could do is pay my hospital bill; but I guess that middle name thing's also nice."

"So you want me to find a middle name that goes with Andrea?" Tori asked. Robbie and Cat nodded. "Are you guys sure?"

"Of course," Cat assured.

"We trust you," Robbie added.

"You and Robbie couldn't agree on one of your terrible name choices could you?" Jade coldly questioned. Robbie and Cat shook their heads no in response. "Figures."

"Maybe you should come up with a Christmassy type name," Beck suggested. "Like Noelle or something."

"That name is stupid and so are you."

"But you still love me."

"Unfortunately true," Jade kissed Beck.

"How 'bout Mary?" Andre inputted his idea. "Not like 'Merry Christmas' but like the Mary you played.

"Ugh, no, that name is worse."

"It doesn't matter what you think, Babe," Beck told his girlfriend.

"In the end, it's Tori's decision anyway," Robbie reminded.

Tori thought about this. "Well…how about…how about Eve."

Andre quirked his brow. "Eve?"

"Yeah, like Christmas Eve, the night she was born. I mean it's kinda Christmassy. I think it's also Hebrew, and Robbie is Jewish."

"It's the only option that doesn't suck the worst," Jade decided. "Don't think that means I like it; it still sucks."

"Yeah, but it kinda goes with the middle name you guys wanna use," Beck added.

"Plus, it's a Hollywood name," Tori observed. "_The Three Faces of Eve_, _All About Eve, Wall-E_."

"_Wall-E_?"

"His girlfriend's name was Eve."

Andre thought about this. "Eve Andrea Shapiro?"

Cat got excited. "Ooh, I like that!" She giggled. "My baby has a name!" Cat looked down at her baby. "Eve."

"Good choice, Tori," Robbie complimented.

Andre sat on the couch beside Tori and put his arm around her shoulder. "Dang girl, you should be named Mary Sue Poppins."

Tori laughed at that. "Why?"

"Because you're practically perfect and there's nothing you can't do."

"Aw, thanks Andre."

"Ooh," Cat squealed.

"What?" Cat pointed above Tori and Andre's heads. Beck was standing over them holding mistletoe. "Beck!"

"Christmas tradition," Beck simply remarked.

"Come on Harris!" Jade egged on. "Plant one on her!"

Andre nervously looked at Tori. "You cool with it?"

Tori bit her lip and nodded back. "Yeah, yeah I'm cool with it." Andre gave Tori a quick peck on the cheek amidst everyone's 'oohs'. Afterwards, Tori couldn't wipe the huge grin off her face. "I don't know about you; but I think this is the best Christmas ever."

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><p><strong>Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone. Peace out!<strong>


End file.
